Okay. Fine. I’ll talk about V.C. Andrews

I mean, someone has to!

So it looks like Lifetime is committing to this V.C. Andrews thing. Having adapted Flowers in the Attic and the rest of The Dollanganger Saga, then My Sweet Audrina, they’re now in the middle of making The Casteel Saga into a heavily-pimped summer movie event and it feels like no one is here for it. Except me.

I am here for every kitschy, soapy second of it. I know what we’re in for, having watched the previously mentioned adaptations. Granted, it’s been a good decade or so since I read The Casteel Saga, but I have a basic idea of what’s coming and, boy oh boy, is this gonna be some quality trash!

When I was a young thing, there was a certain cathartic thrill to reading V.C. Andrews novels. There was something about the Southern Gothic tragedy of it all. Every time our suffering protagonist seems to be on the cusp of contentment, something ruins it.

I could look up from a days-long reading binge and suddenly my family looked much more functional and my blue collar, latchkey life with a single father was a blessedly peaceful existence. Being rich and slender and beautiful would be nice, sure, but you know what happens then? Do you?Every man you meet becomes immediately obsessed with you (even blood relations), every female is out to destroy you, and your not-like-other-girls aura will only help these crazies pick you out of the crowd. Repeat that formula for four books and a prequel and bam! Ride that gravy train for a few decades.

It didn’t have to be that way, though. As you may know, most of Andrews’ body of work has been ghostwritten. Only eight were written by Andrews herself, some partially. The rest were finished by Andrew Neiderman — at first hired by her family to finish her Casteel Saga and a Flowers in the Attic prequel based off unfinished manuscripts and notes. The rest, a whopping 87 novels, were all “inspired” by Andrews. It was something I didn’t know back when I would periodically wallow my days away in a series, but I kind of instinctively caught on. I got through about 7 of the 26 series bearing the Andrews name and the infamous keyhole covers…